[2022] Life after depression: How does it look like?

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I've been surrounded by my friends laughing, and while I'm smiling along with them, I'm crying internally, pleading for someone to notice that all I want to do is weep and be hugged before the world slips away. It's the void you're experiencing that's the worst. You feel so lost and hollow and no matter how many people you know love you and are there for you, you still feel alone.


I spent endless days allowing my emotions and obligations to build up into a massive mountain.


Any time I did this, I had a complete emotional meltdown. I'd weep for a couple of days before actually opening up to everyone around me.


Then, once I started to feel better, I shut down again and suppressed everything for a bit. This was the worst cycle I'd ever been in, and I was sick of it. Depression has been likened to a weight that drags you down, and it is just that.


Fighting it is exhausting, and you just want to be done with it for good. You assume that something is working against you.


You honestly know that no matter who is around you or how many times you are told that things will get better, things will not get better. Seeking treatment and understanding how to successfully deal with depression is a lengthy process.


It's just not going to be flawless when you improve. you will still get lows and highs.


It's a case of sticking it out in the tough times.


You know the pain scale they nurses ask you when you are in the hospital to rate your pain from 1-10. I rate how I feel in that way when I am depressed so I can communicate with my therapist that i seeked out in 2008.


When I'm on the mild side I'm either 1 2 or 3 that means I'm feeling okay I'm alright I have the energy to get things done I'm probably doing things around the house. I'm interested in getting work done on being a good human.


It's still there but it's not affecting my daily life in a way that it says to stop living.


When my depression is more moderate I am either a 4 of 5 or 6 which is already starting to climb the scale of "I am not okay" " I don't really have the energy to do anything,"  and figuring out how to push myself to get things done for myself like showing up and being present.


My body might feel very heavy, I might feel lethargic, it is starting to get hard for me to do normal things like shower and brush my teeth and eat or make food. Now let's get into when my depression gets really severe it does get there sometime I'm either a 7 8 9 or 10 at this point things are very bad and at my worst.


I have no energy for anything I'm not showering, I'm not eating unless I'm forced fed, I'm not brushing my teeth , I'm not going to bed , I'm not doing anything, I am numb and stuck and no motivation to get me out of it.


With all of that said that is my depression that is not me that is not bernadette balla. That scaling scale i've started using again lately, it not only allows me to know where I'm at again and kind of put a number to how I'm feeling and know what I'm initially going to be capable of.


I think I'm going to be capable of that day so I can give myself grace through my process but it also allows me to give this number to myself and effectively communicate exactly how I'm feeling.


I want to move on and talk about the three types of isolation: interpersonal, intrapersonal, and existential. Loneliness is a type of interpersonal isolation.


The adage "it's not the quantity of your relationships that matters, it's the quality of your relationships" holds true here. Certain personality types may crave social experiences more than others. It's also important to consider your social identification, such as whether you belong to a group that culture has historically ignored or marginalized.


Intrapersonal isolation entails denying a portion of oneself.


"A part of me has died," have you ever said?

Can you remember a time when you feel strong but then felt broken after a stressful event?


Perhaps you've been scattered since then? Or did pieces of you never get a chance to grow, maybe as a result of family instability during your childhood?


If that's the case, you're familiar with intrapersonal isolation.


The existential mode of isolation refers to the intrinsic distance that exists between individuals, regardless of how close their relationships are.


For instance, your reaction to an incident, such as the coronavirus alert, is special to you. Your emotions about a situation, such as the coronavirus pandemic, are special to you, and the memories of it, as well as the exact experiences you have as a result of it, will exist only within you.


Others can share common viewpoints and experiences, but the distance between them remains unbridgeable. I used to be afraid of the voice in my mind telling me that life was pointless and that nothing would ever change. In a futile effort to silence it, I succumbed to self-destructive actions.


Nothing seemed to work; I was still left alone with the issue. The only way to defeat it was to acknowledge it.


Accepting your emotions is my key piece of advice for those suffering from existential loneliness or depression as a result of isolation.


While others will assist you on your journey to provide assistance and encouragement, you will eventually arrive at your destination alone. It's important for me to realize how my loneliness is special to me, as it is for every difficult feeling.


“Where do I feel?” I ask myself. Understanding how to deal with the ensuing emotions, as in other aspects in life that throw us off balance, could help or hurt us.



With every tough emotion, I think it's crucial to recognize how my isolation is special to me. “Where do I feel?” I think to myself.


This method focuses my attention on the current moment, enabling us to track the appearance and disappearance of unpleasant emotions and thereby enable me to recognise them.


The act of observing, as well as being aware of my visceral sensations, will help me replace phrases like "I am lonely" with "that would be loneliness."


Allowing the emotion to move rather than fighting it has worked for me in the past. Loneliness, like other emotions, can be accompanied by physical stimuli such as our hearts racing, rapid breathing, or body stiffness.


The introduction of these symptoms may be very disturbing and obvious, but by paying attention to our current state of being, we can find that the above stimuli are not deeply lodged in our system, but rather neutralize and melt away over time.


After a few minutes, for example, we can find that our breathing has returned to normal and our muscles are starting to relax.

Our emotions direct us, and sadness can be a gentle reminder that we need to reach out to others around us in whatever ways we can.


Loneliness may be channeled into reading, music, writing, or other forms of creative expression.


At the end of the day, avoiding the positive and negative duality is the aim.


Maybe these emotions aren't things we can stop or brush aside, but rather embrace it as a deeply personalized teacher with whom we can communicate at all times, reminding us of our limitations and boundaries.


We have a tremendous capacity to absorb and feel our emotions to teach us about ourselves than we give ourselves credit for, and reminding ourselves that we are masters of our emotions rather than slaves to them may be just what we need.


Mostly by discomfort will we grow, and in a world of chaos and propaganda, we owe it it upon ourselves to take off the mask and live as who we really are. When faced with a sudden transition, you can experience a period of grief and distress as you adjust to your changing world.


Cool, next is seeking help from a professional. Now this wasn't always easy for me I'm not going to shove this down your throat .


I'm going to give you the truth first this was not easy for me and the beginning about mental health was not open in my community and therapy was absolutely never an option.


I tell the story because it's where so many of you guys are at it with your own family and with your own friends. I grew up thinking that there was nothing wrong with me and that I was just being dramatic when I experienced emptiness.


Another thing that I do is either to clean or declutter my place. I talk about it in episode 59: How decluttering helps with my spirituality. Fill in the form below to get a copy of my before and after studio apartment transformation from decluttering!

You can listen to the decluttering episode here: 




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