Why am I scared of getting hurt in a relationship? How to get close to someone with intimacy issues

Now there is always one person out of the sea of people you meet while traveling that you will continue to keep in touch with. Sometimes you even try to meet up at a country while the other is passing thru.

Somehow you  bond over past relationships, museums , culture, saving humanity and yada yada yada. Sharing your traumas.

This was my situation. This was not healthy. Because what I did was I was fantasizing a love that I could never have because I was afraid of abandonment so i'll seek out relationships that have no potential to grow.

It feels good at that time,  I know I was clearly in denial and always dreading the clock ticking because we both have to say our goodbyes and I have to fly back to America.

Some relationship fizzles after traveling this kept going as if we are in a long distance relationship. I will compare other guys to this guy. A guy would express interest in me in the real world but i won’t give him a chance because i got some stupid computer love going on what a joke.

I don’t do this anymore. I stopped lying to myself. How long can we keep this up, one of us are going to meet someone in the real world. Eventually, I cut the cord. It was hard. It wasn’t easy but I knew its time for me to wake up and smell the roses. I want a real non computer connection. Someone i can touch physically and go to museums and do some volunteer work together.

So, why do I /we  do shit like this?

Trauma bond. Trauma bond. 

We get used to the love we received as a child from our parents and we continuously replay this cycle without stopping to think that this is not how love is supposed to feel like.

Did  i cut the cord because i didn’t want to be abandoned so i do it first? 

Nope, that is not the case for this situation. 

I’ve done a lot personal growth that leads to me finally cutting the cord. 

It’s a fake love illusion that only lives in my head with no potential to ever grow emotionally, spiritually, mentally, you name it.

 It sucked for a little bit but i was relieved! I felt like a bunch of heavy energy just left my body. I feel lighter.

Now i got time to really focus and pour myself into shadow work.

And i am here now.

I can meet someone new and don’t have to compare.

I can meet someone new and make out with him right then and there. 

I can meet someone new and get to know his friends.

I can meet someone new and get to extract information from his ex gfs.

I can meet someone new through mutual friends and gossip about people.

How fun!

Such a different energy, such a different vibe.

I like this better.

So what about you, what kind of personal growth do you have that came from leaving a situation behind?