Hello, story time. I used to be the person who romanticized relationships when i travel abroad alone. I will establish short term romance and i subconsciously know this is to protect my heart and a defense mechanism to allow myself to still feel the love i always wanted without getting my heart broken into pieces.
You see you can desire love, you can want love and still be afraid of it, and still push it away and no matter how hard i tried back then i just could not get myself in a healthy relationship.
Because it was about me. I was not a healthy person. I allowed myself to be a pessimist because it was easier and frankly it takes a lot of work to be an optimist if you are not genetically predisposed to it.
I will meet all this foreign guys and have a hot and heavy short relationship come back to san francisco and have no interest in any of the guys here.
And when i do, guess what? i always approach the relationship that it will never work out and never entertain the thought of “ what if we could work out.”
which is what i do now because i allow myself to visualize what i want. to feel that excitement to feel what it could be instead of coming from a place of darkness and emptiness and sad music.
I know that with excitement of the future, i could be disappointed by the outcome. So, i make space for myself to be disappointed. because now, omg i rather be disappointed for trying than to completely avoid it.
Because the journey is never about the other person and always about you. Once you start coming from the place of being the one instead of finding the one because i repeat the journey is about you and never the other person in this life time, past life time and future life time ok? very important.
Once that happens, you allow people to come into your life that is more high quality. What i am trying to say is that 2 people can break up with you but they break up with you differently. One has more integrity and dignity and remember you have to be the person with integrity and dignity if you want to meet someone who has integrity and dignity, because there is such a thing as being energetically and spiritually align.
There is no such thing as never meeting someone special. But if you keep thinking that you will never meet someone, then even if you meet someone and that person is right in front of you, you can’t see it or you get scared because you feel like you don’t deserve this person.
So yeah its a different experience for me now. I’m not even the same person i was in 2020. I’ve changed a lot in all in a good way too. But you have to be open to it and work on it and keep on being open to it when you feel like closing up and if you are closed up open up again.
So that’s the process, keep allowing, keep being open, forgive your exes, ask for forgiveness if you are carrying guilty feelings.
But you have to make space for disappointment and rejection to happen when you are seeking for forgiveness because the other person might not be ready.
Once you allow the thought and feeling of rejection to enter consciousness and the uncomfortableness in your body and you are able to marinate on it and you think you can handle it, go for it.
One of my exes out of the blue called me ( yes telephone no text, not even fb video, actual call) was expressing how he carried the guilt of calling me a cunt and a whore in the past and i was shocked. He thought i would not return his calls on put him on blast on silent treatment but was incredibly relieved when i told it i didn’t harbor any resentment and if i did i said i would probably be secretly happy that you apologized even if i am angry).
The person who you are asking for forgiveness, even if they give you the silent treatment, they are secretly happy that your apology is genuine even if they are angry.
It’s ok to be scared. But it's much better to be scared and open at the same time. Start with that. I hope this gives you a good deal of motivation for what is ahead of you.
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